I’ve been taking my medicine almost regularly (and I say almost because sometimes I miss the daytime round) and I’ve kind of mellowed out, I know I’m not completely feeling like “myself”. There is still a voice or two. I’m still seeing things that I KNOW are not there. My depression still looms like a large bear in a cramped space. I just want to feel okay.

I feel like something is missing. I’m quite used to just having a friend to text everyday just to have someone to chat with, even if it’s about nothing. Though the husband doesn’t like it…let me rephrase that. He hates it and forbids it. The last friend I had just disappeared without saying a word, without giving me a reason as to why. It made me feel worthless, like I’m not worthy of a long term friendship anymore. I’m starting to think I’ll never have that again. Sigh.

Is it so much that I want to connect with someone on a regular basis? I feel alone in my world. All I have is work and home and a minimum social network lifestyle. No true friendship. Everyone needs a friend to get them out of their day-to-day, and I have nothing. No one to actually talk to.

I am also used to having a snail mail pen pal (or pen pals, however the timing works out), but I’m afraid that if I try right now, and explain my situation and about myself, I will be rejected by the first letter. I love writing to someone. Getting something other than bills and junk in the mail…those are the fun times.

Oh well.