I’ve always seemed to struggle with my weight in some way or another. When I was younger, I took to not eating lunch (never went to the cafeteria), and I forced myself to go run whenever I possibly could. I remember when I became self conscious about it-my uncle made me very aware about how much weight I’d gained because of a burger I was eating. I will never forget that.

I was doing fairly well with keeping my weight under control, until I got pregnant. That turned my world upside down because I was forced to become (what I felt) grotesquely fat. I walked everyday and watched what I ate to gain the bare minimum of pregnancy weight, but my doctor made the comment that I was underweight and needed to gain more. Who says that?!

It was an icy uphill battle from then on because there were more pregnancies after that; my mental state was becoming more prominent; my depression was more severe; and I was taking less care of myself because I had other responsibilities.My peak weight was with my final pregnancy, and I had never felt more like a whale. People constantly made comments about my size from me carrying twins to having an extremely giant child. No…I was just fat.

Now…I can’t seem to lose weight. I can’t control the snacking/grazing. I can’t control my porion sizes. I have zero support. I can’t go on a simple walk or run without it becoming an argument. Why even try?

To digress for a moment. I think the only reason my husband says he “loves the way I look” is because no one looks at a fat person. No one will try to talk to or sleep with a fat person. I can’t feel good about myself as a fat person. So he keeps me at my lowest so no one can definitely have me. Those are my thoughts on it. Because when I cheated, my medicine was working pretty okay (not great), and I was fitting in cute clothes and looked good naked. He didn’t like that.

Back to my point. I can’t find motivation to stay on track. I have a little journal that I keep tips and meal plans and exercise plans I find doable in. I don’t have a friend to do this with or an accountability partner. It’s just me attempting to do all of this alone, and I am being pushed further and further away from my goal. 

I am to a point where I’m going to just start starving myself, no questions asked, again. Just eat one small meal like I used to and be done. It seemed to work back then. Why wouldn’t it work now?