My past is not squeaky clean by any means. But then again, whose is? Not everyone has cheated on their significant other, but I have. I’m not afraid to say it anymore. Yes, I am a wee bit ashamed of it, but it happened.

In my marriage I feel neglected, disrespected, disconnected, unloved, and literally every other reason imaginable. I desire closeness, intimacy, and friendship. Someone I can rely not only for my needs but my wants. And when I had my affairs, I was given that. Now, I am back where I started-alone and dejected.

My husband was heartbroken when he found out, but it was necessary nonetheless. But the falling out we had was violent and brutal, and I wanted to separate from him on many occasions; but he wouldn’t let it happen. Seriously, he wouldn’t let our marriage dissolve. I could understand his anger, but he refused to see, from my side, why everything happened. He still doesn’t.

Now, I can’t say that the urge doesn’t still hit me to find someone to attach to. To be with, if only, for a short time. I don’t know how it would work out with since I’m so limited and broken. Not only does breaking my husband’s heart stop me, but also the fact of trusting someone else enough to go that far with…again. And I also get bored easily. That is very sad to say out loud.

I want to apologize to him for my wandering thoughts, but he doesn’t make it easy. He doesn’t make me want to stay faithful any more than I have to. As much as I don’t want to say that, I am. Sigh