I had an amazing dream last night/this morning that I was in a perfect relationship with Thomas Gibson. It was a pretty intense, full blown color dream that I didn’t want to wake up from; so much so that I woke up late to get ready for work…haha. We were happy. There were lots of cute, smiley moments and laughs. We helped some kids together. The sex was intense. A very memorable dream, to say the least.
Why did I start off with all of that? Dreams like this depress me in a big way. They make my heart happy, and they give my mind the thrill of a lifetime when they happen; but when you get down to the root of it, it’s JUST a dream that will NEVER happen to me. I look around at my broken world, and I wonder why it has to be this way.
I’m not saying that I want a relationship with Thomas Gibson specifically (although he is hot, and I wouldn’t mind it). I want a relationship that is perfect for me. It doesn’t even have to be a concrete situation; it can be open, which is ideal, unless this person is so perfect and well-rounded that I feel like there’s no need for anyone else. But that seems like I’m asking for too much.
I want something that is solid between me and the other person. An understanding that cannot be matched. I want to be cutesy and loving with someone, but also still be able to have a serious conversation with them (that doesn’t turn into some one-sided bashing tournament, like my husband does). I want to be able to share all aspects of myself without feeling scared that they’re going to rip me apart for how I am, act, or feel.
I don’t feel like I want a lot for myself, though THEY tell me it is forever impossible to find. I just want something for me that is special. I am tired of being broken down and abused, forgotten and cast aside like nothing. It has to exist for me, right?