To put it simply, I’ve never been in love. I’ve loved friends and family, but I’ve never felt love in a relationship for another. Yes, I have cared deeply, but that feeling of longing and emotion just has never been there.
Regrettably, I’ve said “I love you” back more times than I can count to people that claim they love me in relationships, just to not make things awkward. I’ve become very good at lying and mimicking the “feelings” of love (or at least the appropriate reactions). No one has ever called me on it, and no one has ever come out of the relationship feeling unloved as a person.
I’m not saying these people didn’t feel those feelings for me truly, but I felt like they only loved the idea of us, rather than actually loving me. Or maybe my wall is just too thick to break…heck, I might be incapable of loving another human in an actual one-on-one relationship. Who knows. There’s no one that I’ve felt comfortable enough to just be myself with. I’m constantly hiding some part of myself from someone.
My husband is in the mindset, like the others, that I’m in love with him. Though, he also has the delusional thought that he’s the one and only person to propose to me; he’s actually the third. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, and I’ve yelled the truth at him when I get angry, but he chooses to take it as a joke and dismiss it (just like most of my feelings and emotions). I’ve tried to love him, much like women in arranged marriages, but I can’t force myself to love someone that treats me the way he does. I don’t even find myself attracted to him for the same reason. sure he’s cute, but his attitude and treatment of me and others is deplorable and a total turnoff.
I will probably never find love in this lifetime. I will probably never feel like someone truly loves and cares about me whole-heartedly. I’ve lived this long without it and survived; living vicariously through others for the rest of my life can’t do any more damage than it already has. I’m not saying that I don’t want it, but I’ve come to accept me never having it.