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Attempting to Live for Them

"I'm not crazy. My reality is just different than yours."

Difficulties.

I’m having trouble sticking to my weight loss goals as of late. I’ve been eating terribly. My workouts have been minimal, at best. I’ve been waking up late with so many excuses as to why I can’t even do simple exercises before time to get ready. I’m running on fumes here.

I feel terrible. THEY keep telling me that I can’t do it, that I can’t keep to my word. And since they’re practically taking over again, they must be right. I am mentally exhausted.

I need to start eating healthier, so I’m going to try a new diet geared towards more fruits and veggies. I have to watch my portion sizes. I am going to try to eat smaller meals rather than two larger meals. These are some of my food goals.

I need to start exercising more throughout the week, like five to six times a week. I have to do more strength training in the mornings. On the days I can’t go to the gym, I’m going to at least go on a walk. I want to try to challenge and push myself each week, not get stuck in a routine of doing the same things at the same pace. These are some of my fitness goals.

I need to lose the weight and get in shape for myself. I want to be able to jog at least a mile without a problem. I should be able to fit my clothes without an issue. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. These are goals for myself.

I have the goals, now I just need the mindset. Ugh.

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Somewhere.

I’ve been on my weight loss journy for a couple of months now, and it’s going pretty okay. I’ve lost a few pounds. I haven’t been working out as much as I want or as consistently, and my eating habits have been up and down, which I know isn’t helping matters any, but I am at least trying. I can’t see a difference, though other people say they can, but it’s just not there for me. I know, know….that’s “normal.” 

I am trying to lose weight for me. My health is dragging; my moods are in the toilet. I’m just all-around miserable, in a way. I’ve never wanted to be a healthy weight for others, always myself. Which is the way it should be, right? But I feel like I’m failing myself. My binge eating becomes a problem sometimes. My mind stops me from getting up and working out with one lame excuse after another. I should workout longer than the hour I have carved out for myself to burn more calories. See…failing. But I am doing something, which is better than nothing.

My kids are always proud of me after I workout, and that always makes me feel better about myself. It’s weird that they think the world of me for something so simple. But I’ll take it; it’s a small victory.

I feel alone.

I’ve been taking my medicine almost regularly (and I say almost because sometimes I miss the daytime round) and I’ve kind of mellowed out, I know I’m not completely feeling like “myself”. There is still a voice or two. I’m still seeing things that I KNOW are not there. My depression still looms like a large bear in a cramped space. I just want to feel okay.

I feel like something is missing. I’m quite used to just having a friend to text everyday just to have someone to chat with, even if it’s about nothing. Though the husband doesn’t like it…let me rephrase that. He hates it and forbids it. The last friend I had just disappeared without saying a word, without giving me a reason as to why. It made me feel worthless, like I’m not worthy of a long term friendship anymore. I’m starting to think I’ll never have that again. Sigh.

Is it so much that I want to connect with someone on a regular basis? I feel alone in my world. All I have is work and home and a minimum social network lifestyle. No true friendship. Everyone needs a friend to get them out of their day-to-day, and I have nothing. No one to actually talk to.

I am also used to having a snail mail pen pal (or pen pals, however the timing works out), but I’m afraid that if I try right now, and explain my situation and about myself, I will be rejected by the first letter. I love writing to someone. Getting something other than bills and junk in the mail…those are the fun times.

Oh well.

Just an update.

I know I haven’t written in a while, which wasn’t my intention starting this. I wanted to write regularly about various things going on in my world, but I have been lacking. Though I know no one really reads this. I’m more or less throwing my words into a bottomless put here, but it’s still nice to write and get stuff out there.

The noise is still there. THEY still are very much part of my existence, but not so much anymore that I am almost in tears. The medicine quiets them to a tolerable level, and I can function much better than I could before. The visual hallucinations are still there, but I know how to look beyond them now. Ignore them as if they are part if the background.

Home life is still chaotic. Still struggling to keep it together as a mother, but I am doing the best I can. Most days I look at them and wonder why the higher powers that be even thought I could raise kids. I still wouldn’t trade them for the world though.

I am burned out with work. It’s a day in, day out cycle that I want to cease just for a few days to let me a have a breather. I need to start using my vacation time, and there’s no better time than now, right? I like my job. It’s well worth having. I wouldn’t quit. I just need a break.

I plan to start working out regularly. I definitely need to lose weight. I know my weight is causing a lot of my pains, and it could be the source of some other issues I’ve been having.

That’s what’s going on with me lately.

Flirty moments.

I know I’ve talked about this before, but it’s weighing heavy on my mind, and THEY keep mumbling about it incessantly. So why not “scribble” it down and purge it from the hollow depths.

I miss that spark. I miss that spark with someone that piques your interest. You want to know about them. You have the perfect back an forth. You two just get it. You can dish and take whatever snarky remark comes out of their mouth. It’s a fun dance that you play.

I miss that.

I don’t want someone I feel I have to impress. I want to just be. For them to like me the way I am. For them to see me as I am and like me. Flaws and all, we accept those of each other. We just go about our everyday lives like it’s nothing while still having this light air between us that’s fun and cute at the same time.

Effortless and meaningful.

I’m not asking for those holding hand moments. Interlaced fingers. Tracing palms with head on shoulder moments. Not the soft kisses on the forehead. The playful boop on the nose. As nice as all of those are. (Yes, I secretly still miss those with someone.)

I want mental flirtation. The kind that sticks with you and gives you butterflies from the buzz of your phone. From that one particular ringtone. I want something that echoes throughout when they say something special to me. When I blush, they know it kind of feeling.

This is my kind of flirting.

Unrealized. 


He doesn’t get how much I need someone to talk to. He won’t listen to my issues. He thinks I’m “just fine;” that I don’t need any help. I’m a wreck. And not having an outlet makes me feel worse. He spews nothing but hatred most of the time, and it fuels whatever rage is built in THEIR minds. I don’t like it.

He doesn’t realize that as he slept, I stood over him with a knife because they told me to, and the noise was to great to stop myself. He doesn’t understand that when I’m driving, I hope a bigger vehicle barrels into the driver’s side and kills me instantly. I have flashbacks to the recent accident and wish I had died right then and there. I’m afraid to be in vehicles because of that accident; I see it all of the time. I see other cars getting into accidents. I see things that aren’t there like tiny people doing things they shouldn’t, blood dripping from surfaces. I hear so many things. Just noise or voices, malevolent and benign. Most days I don’t want to deal with the kids or him or myself. I don’t shower on my days off because of those times. I don’t want to deal with people in the least because it gives me pains in my chest and my head. I want to die most days. He wants to get a gun, but he doesn’t know the reason I don’t want a gun in the house is because I’m guaranteed to take it and go off somewhere to take my own life with it.

These are the issues I run away from. These are just some of the things he doesn’t want to know about. These are some of the things that make me such a broken person. Sigh.

I think of him.

It all happened during one of my manic moments. Doing something so out of character, but needing something. I think of him sometimes. He was the best guy I was ever with that only lasted as long as it takes to snap your fingers. I remember him and everything between us like it was yesterday.

I always called him Mr. Perfect, not to his face. He had a great body…no, amazing body. He had tattoos. He was older and had many of the qualities I wanted in a man. And to think, I met him on a whim, and couldn’t believe he was interested in me…of all women he could have chosen.

We met in a public place after messaging back and forth for a little while. We had witty conversation (the basic get to really know you kind of stuff)  in the beginning face-to-face, but we got down to business; why we were really there. We discussed kinks, what our limits were, and new things we were willing to try.

Our first meeting was extraordinary, in my opinion (and heard nothing but great things from him (but who knows if it was real or a ploy, but honestly I didn’t quite care). His lips were soft; his body was muscular in all the right places; and the sex was downright toe-curling. I remember quite clearly his first words he said when it all began-“I can’t understand why no one would want to fuck you all of the time.”-as I gripped onto his desk and fell into the most blissful state I had ever been in.

We were always messaging each other at random times. Cute messages, intriguing conversation. It was never ending. He would message me while he was somewhere interesting just to tell me about it. He even went as far as just stopping to give me a hug just because he missed me. It was all rather sweet and different for me. I rather enjoyed the flattery.

We met again for another amazing tryst, but it was all cut short with a phone call to pick up the kids. At least it waited until after it all happened rather than before. I wish he could’ve stayed longer, but the time I got was a memory to add to the books.

He made things worth holding onto hope that there was some kind of happiness with another man out there, even though I knew it would never be with him. He was just perfect in my eyes.

Sadly, it all came to an abrupt end, but I will never forget any of it. It was worth the issues it caused. It was worth ta king care of myself and impressing him at ever turn. It was worth the fleeting smiles and butterflies I would get. I always wonder if I’ll ever have that again with someone.

Life is changing…

So it looks as if this terrible year is coming to a close. There aren’t too many good points to this year that involve me directly. Only bad things happened to me this year, worse than previous years. I’ve been raped, abused, among other things, and it’s sad to say, this is my worst year to date. Ugh.

I can’t forgive the powers that be. I know they hate me. They look down on me and see me as the joke, the pawn to use as they please to make others lives easier while makin mine harder and harder to manage. I hate hearing the religious phrases “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” or “These hard times are just a test. God has something great in store for you.” Those make me feel worse because I know in my heart that those are bull crap.

I don’t know what 2017 holds, but hopefully it doesn’t involve anymore accidents or physical harm. I hope it doesn’t include more misery and struggle than I’ve come in contact with already. I NEED this to be a good year.

Struggling.

I’ve always seemed to struggle with my weight in some way or another. When I was younger, I took to not eating lunch (never went to the cafeteria), and I forced myself to go run whenever I possibly could. I remember when I became self conscious about it-my uncle made me very aware about how much weight I’d gained because of a burger I was eating. I will never forget that.

I was doing fairly well with keeping my weight under control, until I got pregnant. That turned my world upside down because I was forced to become (what I felt) grotesquely fat. I walked everyday and watched what I ate to gain the bare minimum of pregnancy weight, but my doctor made the comment that I was underweight and needed to gain more. Who says that?!

It was an icy uphill battle from then on because there were more pregnancies after that; my mental state was becoming more prominent; my depression was more severe; and I was taking less care of myself because I had other responsibilities.My peak weight was with my final pregnancy, and I had never felt more like a whale. People constantly made comments about my size from me carrying twins to having an extremely giant child. No…I was just fat.

Now…I can’t seem to lose weight. I can’t control the snacking/grazing. I can’t control my porion sizes. I have zero support. I can’t go on a simple walk or run without it becoming an argument. Why even try?

To digress for a moment. I think the only reason my husband says he “loves the way I look” is because no one looks at a fat person. No one will try to talk to or sleep with a fat person. I can’t feel good about myself as a fat person. So he keeps me at my lowest so no one can definitely have me. Those are my thoughts on it. Because when I cheated, my medicine was working pretty okay (not great), and I was fitting in cute clothes and looked good naked. He didn’t like that.

Back to my point. I can’t find motivation to stay on track. I have a little journal that I keep tips and meal plans and exercise plans I find doable in. I don’t have a friend to do this with or an accountability partner. It’s just me attempting to do all of this alone, and I am being pushed further and further away from my goal. 

I am to a point where I’m going to just start starving myself, no questions asked, again. Just eat one small meal like I used to and be done. It seemed to work back then. Why wouldn’t it work now?

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