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Attempting to Live for Them

"I'm not crazy. My reality is just different than yours."

Untold events.

Needless to say, I dislike my job. My heart’s not in it any longer. I find no joy, just stress and toxicity.

I find myself dreading just the thought of having to go, and I’m completely drained as soon as I step into the door of the building. I’m miserable all throughout the day of being there, and it is only made worse by certain people I work with.

I’ve strived to be the hardest worker and be very organized (beyond my OCD). I am friendly with everyone, even when I don’t want to be. I follow rules and do tasks no matter how inane and tedious they are. Yet it is still not enough.

I am held back from doing so much here. My ideas are stifled and trampled on. I am treated as if I’m stupid. I am quite intelligent and capable of a lot more than just manual labor. There’s no movement for me here; I am stuck.

Sigh.

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Trying my hardest.

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I’ve tried really hard at life, but I keep failing. I’m failing at losing weight. I’m failing at getting my life together. I’m apparently not liked at work anymore. So I’m just failing at everything I do at this point.

I’ve been having a lot of trouble at work lately, more so than normal. So much stress has consumed me it’s become a norm. No one there listens to my problems, so I have given up on even saying anymore about them. I am on the prowl for a new job now, but so far, I am having no luck. With no degree under my belt, trying to find a job that pays as well as the one I have now (and with the benefits) is practically impossible. But I am sure I will find one…eventually.

My weight loss is at a standstill. I’ve been stuck at the same place for about two weeks, and it’s a little discouraging. I have, however, lost seven inches overall in the past month since I’ve started, so that’s a plus. I have tried to stay consistent with my workouts, but it has been difficult because I am exhausted most of the time.

The husband has been rather distant lately. He doesn’t listen to me in any sense. I try to talk to him, vent to him, but I might as well talk to myself. I get more support from the kids than I do him. He just brushes me off, ignores me, or completely disregards what I say and starts talking about something else off topic. What’s the point? I don’t have any friends, which he knows, so he’s my only person to talk to, and he still doesn’t give me a listening ear. Sigh.

All-in-all, I’m just having a hard time right now.

I’m really doing this.

This year started rough, I have to admit, but I will not let that be the premise of how the year is going to go. I’m making this year about bettering myself. Getting healthy-mentally and physically-and doing what it takes to get me in a better mindset.

I’ve been going to a psychiatrist, and I’ve gotten the hallucinations under control. It’s been weird being in pure silence with my own thoughts. I still have panic attacks often, but they aren’t hallucination induced anymore. Now they are life induced. The depression is still there, but I’ve been going to therapy, which is new to the year. It’s going well, and it’s nice to have someone to talk to about my issues and getting feedback. The stress is still high, but that can’t be helped I guess.

I’m receiving help from an old friend with my weight loss goals. It’s what she does for a living, so I know I am getting real help. I am trying my hardest to stick to the plan she has given me, and she is also helping with accountability. I am trying to lose 77lbs., so we’ll see where this journey goes.

I am so scared of doing stuff for myself because I never do stuff for myself. I am constantly doing stuff for the kids, dog, or the husband…but rarely or never myself. But I am going to do it this year.

Still alive.

I’m still alive, everybody!

Things have been going…well..umm…I don’t know. I’ve been very up and down in moods. No highs, just low and lower. I can’t seem to get out of this depression. It’s like being stuck in a ditch in a very small car, just can’t get out of it.

I’m still burned out with my job. That will probably never change.

What’s new with you?

Work is still work.

I watch the minutes tick by slowly as I finish each and every task. What I’m thinking is taking me a lifetime, is actually me flying through them because I’m so used to them.

I just have to remember, I have a job with good benefits to keep my family afloat. There’s no reason to disturb that. But I’m so burned out. And it’s not like I can take a week off. When I was on maternity leave for six weeks, it was so nice not having to get up and deal with the monotony of my job. I just had to be there for my children. It was the best thing ever.

Now, day in and day out, I’m stuck, like a manufacturing job, doing the same tasks over and over like a robot. It’s rather taxing, especially when my supervisor throws in tedious tasks when I’m very capable of finding other things to do. Ugh.

I like my job, don’t get me wrong. I appreciate it as well. It’s just that I need a break. A break that doesn’t require me to do much of anything while at home either. Because between work and home, there is no break. I’m a momma first when I get home with no time to actually relax. It’s exhausting.

How am I surviving it all?

Difficulties.

I’m having trouble sticking to my weight loss goals as of late. I’ve been eating terribly. My workouts have been minimal, at best. I’ve been waking up late with so many excuses as to why I can’t even do simple exercises before time to get ready. I’m running on fumes here.

I feel terrible. THEY keep telling me that I can’t do it, that I can’t keep to my word. And since they’re practically taking over again, they must be right. I am mentally exhausted.

I need to start eating healthier, so I’m going to try a new diet geared towards more fruits and veggies. I have to watch my portion sizes. I am going to try to eat smaller meals rather than two larger meals. These are some of my food goals.

I need to start exercising more throughout the week, like five to six times a week. I have to do more strength training in the mornings. On the days I can’t go to the gym, I’m going to at least go on a walk. I want to try to challenge and push myself each week, not get stuck in a routine of doing the same things at the same pace. These are some of my fitness goals.

I need to lose the weight and get in shape for myself. I want to be able to jog at least a mile without a problem. I should be able to fit my clothes without an issue. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. These are goals for myself.

I have the goals, now I just need the mindset. Ugh.

Somewhere.

I’ve been on my weight loss journy for a couple of months now, and it’s going pretty okay. I’ve lost a few pounds. I haven’t been working out as much as I want or as consistently, and my eating habits have been up and down, which I know isn’t helping matters any, but I am at least trying. I can’t see a difference, though other people say they can, but it’s just not there for me. I know, know….that’s “normal.” 

I am trying to lose weight for me. My health is dragging; my moods are in the toilet. I’m just all-around miserable, in a way. I’ve never wanted to be a healthy weight for others, always myself. Which is the way it should be, right? But I feel like I’m failing myself. My binge eating becomes a problem sometimes. My mind stops me from getting up and working out with one lame excuse after another. I should workout longer than the hour I have carved out for myself to burn more calories. See…failing. But I am doing something, which is better than nothing.

My kids are always proud of me after I workout, and that always makes me feel better about myself. It’s weird that they think the world of me for something so simple. But I’ll take it; it’s a small victory.

I feel alone.

I’ve been taking my medicine almost regularly (and I say almost because sometimes I miss the daytime round) and I’ve kind of mellowed out, I know I’m not completely feeling like “myself”. There is still a voice or two. I’m still seeing things that I KNOW are not there. My depression still looms like a large bear in a cramped space. I just want to feel okay.

I feel like something is missing. I’m quite used to just having a friend to text everyday just to have someone to chat with, even if it’s about nothing. Though the husband doesn’t like it…let me rephrase that. He hates it and forbids it. The last friend I had just disappeared without saying a word, without giving me a reason as to why. It made me feel worthless, like I’m not worthy of a long term friendship anymore. I’m starting to think I’ll never have that again. Sigh.

Is it so much that I want to connect with someone on a regular basis? I feel alone in my world. All I have is work and home and a minimum social network lifestyle. No true friendship. Everyone needs a friend to get them out of their day-to-day, and I have nothing. No one to actually talk to.

I am also used to having a snail mail pen pal (or pen pals, however the timing works out), but I’m afraid that if I try right now, and explain my situation and about myself, I will be rejected by the first letter. I love writing to someone. Getting something other than bills and junk in the mail…those are the fun times.

Oh well.

Just an update.

I know I haven’t written in a while, which wasn’t my intention starting this. I wanted to write regularly about various things going on in my world, but I have been lacking. Though I know no one really reads this. I’m more or less throwing my words into a bottomless put here, but it’s still nice to write and get stuff out there.

The noise is still there. THEY still are very much part of my existence, but not so much anymore that I am almost in tears. The medicine quiets them to a tolerable level, and I can function much better than I could before. The visual hallucinations are still there, but I know how to look beyond them now. Ignore them as if they are part if the background.

Home life is still chaotic. Still struggling to keep it together as a mother, but I am doing the best I can. Most days I look at them and wonder why the higher powers that be even thought I could raise kids. I still wouldn’t trade them for the world though.

I am burned out with work. It’s a day in, day out cycle that I want to cease just for a few days to let me a have a breather. I need to start using my vacation time, and there’s no better time than now, right? I like my job. It’s well worth having. I wouldn’t quit. I just need a break.

I plan to start working out regularly. I definitely need to lose weight. I know my weight is causing a lot of my pains, and it could be the source of some other issues I’ve been having.

That’s what’s going on with me lately.

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